Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?

I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- L: ?eh?

- D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- L: ?? EH??

- D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,
Mike

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."

"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself.

Sincerely,
Edna Johnston"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . .

"Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".

The other lady says "What do you mean?"

The first lady says "Look at that".

When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again.

Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."

This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."

OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, -- but their future is doubtful

OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around
OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast