Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?
→ Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave the key outside!

• His pointers are null / uninitialized.
• His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
• His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
• His root file system isn't mounted.
• His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
• His shared libraries aren't installed.
• His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
• His spark can't jump the gap.
• His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
• His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
• His string's aren't null-terminated.
• His strip is demagnetized.
• His system administrator is never in.
• His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
• His URL denies outside access.
• His watch dog is sleeping.
• His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
• Hitler's evil twin.
• Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
• Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
• I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
• If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
• If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
• If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
• If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
• If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
• If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
• If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

• Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
• Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
• Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
• Has change for a seven dollar bill.
• Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
• Has his brain on cruise control again.
• Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
• Has it floored in neutral.
• Has no discretionary intellect.
• Has no upper stage.
• Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
• Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
• Has resonance where others have brains.
• Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
• Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis
• Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
• Has the brains of a house plant.
• Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
• Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
• Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
• Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
• Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
• Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
• Has two brains one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
• Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
• Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
• Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
• He can only type in upper case.
• He can push but he can't pop.

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!"
The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He's totally enamoured with the golf ball because he's never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who's perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can't figure it out. So he asks our man, "What the hell is all this?!"

To which he replies, "Oh they're just golf balls."

So the customs officer goes, "Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?"