Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day a burnette and a blond lady were walking through the park. All-of-a-sudden, the burnette stops and says "Awe, look at the poor dead birdy." The blond looks up and says "Where!?"

What goes "errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh"?
→ A blonde at a blinking red light!

• Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
• Traveling without a passport/towel.
• Trips over cordless phones.
• Truck can't haul a full load.
• Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
• Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
• Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
• Two chapters short of a novel.
• Two degrees off square.
• Two inches taller than spherical.
• Two saucers short of a tea-service.
• Two sheep short of a sweater.
• Two socks short of a pair.
• Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
• Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
• Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
• Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
• Understands English as well as any parrot.
• Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Useful as a chocolate teapot.
• Useful as a football bat.
• Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
• Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
• Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
• Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
• Useful as dinosaur repellent.
• Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
• Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
• Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
• Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."

The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."

The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."

The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."

The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."

Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when they notice each other. One invites the other one over. "I can't swim", he replies. "Why don't you come over here?"

The other guy says, "I can't swim, either. What are we gonna do?"

First guy says, "Wait! I got a flashlight. I'll turn it on, and you walk across the beam to this side."

The second guy replies, "No way! I'll get half-way across, and you'll turn the flashlight off!"

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:

• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a happy meal.
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
• All foam, no beer.
• The butter has slipped off his pancake.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• As smart as bait.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
• Her sewing machine's out of thread.
• One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
• Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Not wired to code.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Her slinky's kinked.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
• A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
• During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Is so dense, light bends around her.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
• She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

Other funnies...

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

• I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• Non stick Cellotape
• Solar Powered Flash Light
• A black highlighter pen
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Inflatable Anchor
• Smooth Sandpaper
• Waterproof sponge
• Waterproof Teabags
• AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
• Fireproof Matches
• Fireproof Cigarettes
• Battery powered Battery Charger
• Seatbelts for Motorbikes
• Hand powered Chainsaw
• Inflatable Dartboard
• Silent Alarm Clock
• A Pedal powered wheelchair
• Braille Drivers Manual
• Double sided playing cards
• Ejector seats for Helicopters

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.

He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

• In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
• In need of a ROM upgrade.
• In serious need of attitude adjustment.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
• In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
• Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
• Infinite space between her ears.
• Informationally deprived.
• Inhabits her own private timezone.
• Inspected by #13.
• Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
• Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
• Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
• Invented a submarine with a screen door.
• IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
• Q lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
• It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
• Just another flash in the bedpan.
• Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
• Knitting with only one needle.
• Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
• Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
• Leaky sunroof.
• Left hand threaded.
• Left his booster on the launch pad.
• Left the store without all of his groceries.
• Leveled off before reaching altitude.
• Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
• Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
• Lights are on but nobody's home.

• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlights
• Submarine screen doors
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart boards
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chairs
• Water proof tea bags
• Watermelon seed sorter
• Zero proof alchohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• See through tiolet tissue
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself roadmap
• Helicopter ejector seat