Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

• Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
• Still boots to DOS.
• Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
• Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
• Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
• Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
• Stuck on the down escalator of life.
• Stumped by anything child-proof.
• Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
• Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
• Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
• Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
• Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
• Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
• Talks to plants on their own level.
• Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
• Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
• The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
• The butter slipped off his noodle.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
• The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
• The going got weird, and he turned pro.
• The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
• The perfect personality to write software manuals.
• The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
• The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
• The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"

The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain.

"That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the copilot, "and WIDE too!"

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Barbie Brain in a Jar ...an empty jar

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

- Help, help! yells one of the blondes.

- Help us, help us! yells the other.

- Maybe it would help if we yelled together, said the first blonde.

- Good idea, said the other.

- Together, together!

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello! We're down here..."

• Off by one.
• Off his rocker/trolley.
• Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
• On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
• On the batting end of a no-hitter.
• One bit short of a byte/word.
• One board short of a porch.
• One boot stuck in the sand.
• One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
• One bun/donut short of a dozen.
• One car short of a chase scene.
• One card/marble shy of a full deck.
• One chip short of a megabyte.
• One clearance short of landing/taking off.
• One color short of color-coordinated.
• One diamond short of a ring.
• One dimension short of reality.
• One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
• One drop short of an empty bladder.
• One flower short of an arrangement.
• One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
• One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One fruit short of a basket.
• One gene short of a full chromosome.
• One goose short of a gaggle.
• One handle short of a suitcase.
• One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
• One inspection short of passing.
• One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
• One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.

How do you get a one-armed nufie out of a tree?
→ Wave!

How do you get a two-armed nufie out of a tree?
→ Wave both hands!

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."