Random joke from this category
Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?" They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!"
your momma so stupid she got locked in a groceiry store and starved.
A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.
"I will grant you each a wish," he said. "Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try."
"I want to be the world's best swimmer" one said, "so can swim off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.
"I want to be a bird" one said, and flew away immediately.
The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. "I want to be a man. Maybe that would help." She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.
How do blondes get pregnant?
→ And you thought blondes were dumb.
What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
→ The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.
What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
→ Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why do Blondes take the pill?
→ So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
→ Because it kept falling out.
But why do brunettes take the pill?
→ Wishful Thinking.
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
→ Because her boyfriend was also blond!
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
→ The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
→ Her IQ goes up!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
→ A blonde parade.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
→ You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
→ Butter is difficult to spread.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
→ You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
→ There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
→ They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been spotted.
What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
→ It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Yo mama's so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.
This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!' The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.
The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.' 'Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem."
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy. "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy. "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."
Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Yo Mama so dumb she put lipstick on her fore-head to make up her mind.
