Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."

"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's writing on the white-out.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
→ She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
→ There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
→ He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
→ She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
→ "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
→ By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

What did the blonde think of the new computer?
→ She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Why don't blondes make Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
→ All you can eat, under a buck.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
→ Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
→ "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
→ He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home. When they got about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no idea way use your imagination). The three girls jump off and swim to a nearby island. After being there a few days the brunette tries to swim to shore. She gets about five miles off the island's shore and drowns. After a few days pass the redhead decides that she will try. She gets about have way and drowns. Now realizing all her friends are gone she decides to try too. Now she swims for hours. She gets to where she can see the shore but she is so tired she decieds to turn around and go back.

181. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     → Branch Manager.
182. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     → She fell out of the tree.
183. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     → Wave at her.
184. What do you call a smart blond?
     → A golden retriever.
185. How do you check a blonde's IQ?
     → With a tire gauge.
186. How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     → A 69 interrupted by a period.
187. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     → "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
188. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
     → They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
189. Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow?
     → So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
     → So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
190. Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
     → Because the can't even keep two calves together!
191. Why don't blonds breast feed?
     → Because they always burn their nipples.
192. How did the blonde burn her nose?
     → Bobbing for french fries.
193. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
     → To cover up the valve stem.
194. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     → Spot.
195. What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     → Air Supply.
196. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     → The back of her head.
197. Why do blondes drive VW's?
     → Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
198. How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
     → Tell them a joke on Friday night!
199. Why did God create blondes?
     → Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
200. Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     → So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
     → So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.