Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.

He says, "You have acute vaginitis."

She says "Thank you."

Why is "red" the colour of the University of Georgia?
→ Because they can't spell "crimson" or "scarlet".

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

- Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

- Blonde #2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Unleash the Power of Shift!

My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
→ Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

What happens if I press both shift keys?
→ Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
→ Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

I pressed shift and its stuck down now
→ Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
→ Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
→ Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
→ This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

There are two shift keys, which should I use?
→ Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
→ They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
→ No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
→ Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland -- "Left", so they turned around and went home.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"

Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car

Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!

1. No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
2. No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
3. No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
4. No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
5. No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.
6. No ashtrays and electric lighter...
7. No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
8. No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
9. No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
10. No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
11. Only one brake light...
12. Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?
13. No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?
14. No trunk...
15. No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
16. High fuel consumption...
17. Engines that don't last...
18. Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
19. Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.
20. No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes.

Talk about accidents waiting to happen.

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?
→ To open windows

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."