Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!"

"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
→ Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

"Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by... I think there's yet another wee bairn to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor.

"Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.

- Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish!

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
→ To prepare them for the bill!