Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog

- Your just playing too much croquet!

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!

- Didn't I see you yesterday?

Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts.

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
→ They were arch enemies.

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
→ She's the one with dirty knees.

- Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.

- Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.

- Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

- Use a pencil till I get there

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."