Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Psychiatrist: What is your problem?

- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in this sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.

"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.

"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect spinning around.

- Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

What is a double-blind study?
→ Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

- Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

- Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.