Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied.

"What do you think I am...
GAY???"

- Doctor, I need your help. My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?

- Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?

- Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!

- Er... Why don't you take a lover?

- I have! I still don't get enough.

- Take another lover.

- I did. In fact, I have eight lovers, and I still don't get enough sex!

- Gosh, that's an anomaly.

- Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

- Doctor, I just can't undress in front of you.

- All right, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through.

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought, "This is unusual."

The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.

They had the following conversation:

- Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.

- Woman: Ok.

- Dr.: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.

- Woman: Ok.

- Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"

- Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

- Like this?

- Yes. Does that hurt?

- A little bit.

- Now stretch it over your head!

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.

"Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all," his friend asked.

John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it."