Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

- Doctor: You should diet.

- Trish: Really? What color?

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change." The father is very perplexed, " But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!"

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that," he says. "I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

- David: My wife beats me, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

- David: Every time we play Scrabble!

- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...

Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.

Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

- Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

- Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK."

He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

- Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

- Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

- Doctor: See, what did I tell you.