Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

- Yeah what happened? asked his friend.

- Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.

"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!"

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

WHY IS AN IMPOTENT MAN LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE?
→ THEY BOTH HAVE BALLS FOR DECORATION

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just live by a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!!!"

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911.

Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."