Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"

She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

What is the definition of an overbite?
→ When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit.

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home.

She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.

The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway.

The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad.

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?"

"No," says Carlos.

Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?"

"No," says Carlos.

"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?"

"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.

"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"

Why can't a man eat like a bird?
→ Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. "For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!"

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three hugh back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
→ A hundred dollar bill.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing, "You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!"

The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."