Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

- SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

- SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

- SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

- SM: It's not working.

- SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

- SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

- SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

- SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

- SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

- SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

- SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

- SM: And?

- SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

- SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

- SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

- SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

- SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

How do you tell two KKK members apart?
→ Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
→ They are both meat substitutes!!!!

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
→ Potpourri

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS
11. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD
12. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE
13. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR
14. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS
15. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
16. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON
17. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
18. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK
19. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."