Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows: "Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1. You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2. You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3. You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

"Can I help you?" she says.

"I'm here about your ad in the paper."

"Which ad is that?"

"The one looking for a husband."

She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."

"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."

"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."

"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs."

"Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important..."

"Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?"

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
→ They're doing research on black holes.

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.
Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100."

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.

He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, "Do you want to see my wee-wee?"

She yelled, "No! No! Please zip up your fly!"

Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.

On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, "Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his dick.

She looked at it and said, "Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"

Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock."

She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have 'is' a wee-wee." A 'cock' is long, thick, and black!!!

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
→ So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five." At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you." The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me about it."

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
11. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
12. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
13. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
14. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
15. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
16. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
17. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
18. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
19. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks.

"Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a male pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister."

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."