Random joke from this category
And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.
And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"
"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.
"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!"
The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.
"He also said he wants to screw me all night long!!" By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.
"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!!" The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.
His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.
The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!"
A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
→ They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.
Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day.
Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."
What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
→ She went looking for the three guys.
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!
The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.
Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.
There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.
Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?
Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.
When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."
When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.
The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!
When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.
Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....
John.
To Space
When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.
When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.
