Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?
→ Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
→ Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds...

"Well of course I don't."

"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door.

"Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher.
"Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"And what about anything else?" he asked.
"Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe."
"Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
→ You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?...
→ Viagrafalls

What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde?
→ A dick.

What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wiggle when you eat them.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"