Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
→ So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said:

- Hey Sir, what ya huntin?

The man said:

- Ducks.

The Warden said:

- Did ya have any luck?

He said:

- Got 3.

The Warden said:

- Let Me see them.

The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt, smelled it and said:

- This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said:

- Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said:

- Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said:

- Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said:

- You're the expert, you tell me!

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever........................

Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

- OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me - and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!

- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.

- Mom - she said - I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.

The mother took a deep breath and began:

- When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing...

- I know how to fuck, mother - the bride-to-be interrupted - I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna.

Whats the difference between light and hard???
→ You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man:

- What are you staring at?

- Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".

What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

- Who are these from? - she asked the nurse.

- They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.

- Well - said the nurse.

- The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

- Ahhh, thats really nice - said Lucy.

- The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!

- Brilliant! - said Lucy.

- And the third?

- Thats from Eric in the burns unit - said the nurse.

- He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
→ Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.