Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.

He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

- Wow, my first two wishes have come true! - he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!

The first Genie turns to the second and says:

- You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."4. "Sorry about the mess..."3. "Look at the size of that thing!"2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

- How are you grandpa? - he asks.

- Feeling fine - says the old man.

- What's the food like?

- Terrific, wonderful menus.

- And the nursing?

- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.

- What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?

- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

- What are you people doing - he says - I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?

- Oh, yes - replies the Sister.

- Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard

- has to work at great depths

- has to work upside down

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work

- has to work in a high humidity environment

- has to work at high temperatures

- does not get weekends and holidays off

- does not get time off after extra hours of work

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row

- does not answer immediately to all requests

- does not have a degree

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work

- shows no fidelity to the workplace

- retires too early

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

- Father! - she cried.

- just WAIT until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said:

- Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?

- Well, father - the nun began.

- I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!

- A serious infraction, indeed! - said the priest.

- But that's not what has me so excited, father - replied the nun.

- it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!

- What an incredible wager! - exclaimed the priest.

- What did you do?

- Well, I hit the CEILING, father.

- How much did you win?

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says:

- Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter.

The entire class says:

- Hello Mrs. Prussy.

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher:

- I remember it has an "r" after the first letter.

- That's right! - she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says:

- Mrs. Crunt?