Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A nude jogger was running past two old women.

One had a stroke, the other missed!

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help:

- Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says:

- I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother:

- Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says:

- Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her:

- Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?

His sister looks up and says:

- Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says:

- Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.

There was a gay lad from Kartoume
Took a lesbian up to his room
Well, they argued all night
as to who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks:

- How much for a box of rubbers?

- They're $1 for a box of 3 - he replied:

- Plus 6 cents for the tax.

- Oh - said the blonde:

- I wondered how they kept them on.

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

- Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?

- Vito: Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.

- Vladimir: OK. It's a deal.

- Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

- Vladimir: That's it? I can do that.

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . . and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked:

- Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?

- Vito: Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!

What's the difference between a peeping Tom and someone who's just got out of the bath?
→ One is rude and nosey.
The other is nude and rosey!

Do you know the difference between mono & herpes?
→ You get mono from snatching a kiss....

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.

The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him:

- Hey, you have to pay for that.

The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again:

- Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute.

She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

There was no action at the White House the past few days, hear about this?

Yea, I guess it was labeled a "No Open Fly" zone!