Random joke from this category
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked:
- On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?
- Yes - whispered the girl, her head bowed.
- And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax? - the lawyer continued.
- Oh no - she replied.
- I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis.
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:
- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!
Wee jordy says:
- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?
Well she says:
- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.
Walking along a bit further she says to him:
- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.
- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?
- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!
Walking along a bit further she says:
- wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me.
He says:
- aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!
"No!" she says...
- by the tilt in your kilt!
One day a boy approached his mother with a question:
- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?
His mother, very surprised, replies:
- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.
The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:
- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!
Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
→ Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!
A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:
- Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:
- I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
- What are you doing here? - the Captain asked.
- I have an arrangement with one of the sailors - the blonde explained.
- He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me.
- He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:
- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.
- Great! - said the first guy:
- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!
- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.
- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.
- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.
- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.
- You'll find them easily - he says:
- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks:
- Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
The rabbit says:
- No, of course not!
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
- Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
- Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
- Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
