Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said

- you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

- Correct - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes - she said.

- You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can't tell us her name!

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
→ The taste!

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.

- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.

- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks:

- What are those round things hanging there, daddy?

Proudly, he replies:

- Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here.

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks:

- Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:

- When it all boils done to the essence of truth - the philosopher said, one must live by a dog's rule of life:

- If you can't eat it or fuck it...

PISS ON IT!

How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
→ She opens the car door.

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.

- I just got this amazing watch - he tells her. It can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking.

- What does it say about me? - asked the blonde.

- It says you want to sleep with me.

- Sorry - said the blonde - I think your watch is broken.

- Hmmm - said the man slowly examining the watch. It seems to be running an hour fast...

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things