Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again...:

- Up, or down?

His wife says:

- What?

To which he replies:

- During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long.

The wife says:

- Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'

What do you see when the pillsbary dough boy bends over?
→ Doughnuts

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life... ...until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:

- ...

- Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to this call.

- This is it! - the swede thought.

- This is what I've been waiting for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!

And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen. Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell:

- Juhuuu!!

And then he heard it!

- WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!!

- Härregud! - The Swede thought.

- A whole tribe!

And just as he was starting to run to the cave, he thought:

- Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.

So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.

And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the world:

- Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.

The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

Jimmy replied:

- Great, Father, I've saved a whole quart!

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

- No thanks - the girl says.

- You know I don't smoke.

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him:

- Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian.

The blonde goes over to her anyway and says:

- So which part of Lesbia are you from?