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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

  1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
  2. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
  3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
  4. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
  5. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
  6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks "Would you like fries with that?"
  7. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
  8. "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas."
  9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
  10. They charge by the word.
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Dear Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

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A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

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One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.

Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.

When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.

On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank.

Satan got really angry and complained to God.

God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"

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