Random joke from this category
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Exactly five hundred.1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.21 to flame the spell checkers.49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.
Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest andgreatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for thedudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable Ccode involves the use of a few simple defines.#define like {#define man ;}#define an ;#define SayBro /*#define CheckItOut */SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOutlike a = b an c = dmanSayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?
THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOutlike SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but ina readable form.
CheckItOut man#define YoDude for(#define OK )#define is =#define AND &&#define as#define Do#define long#define some#define make#define garbage#define FAROUTshell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOutint v[], n;like int gap, i, j, temp;YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some garbage an make j -= gap OK like temp is v[j] an v[j] is v[j+gap] an v[j+gap] is temp manFAROUT manSayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOut
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.
Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:
What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.
What's a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.
Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a wonderful day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day :-)
You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.
What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.
To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.
When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!
When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.
When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.
How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I'm Jane!
b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.
When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What's your star sign?
c) What's your Profile?
If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What's your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat Private.
When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!
When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don't need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.
When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.
When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?
Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.
You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.
You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.
To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.
SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".
If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL:
USE HANDGUN.
COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.
FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.
HAND.
FINGER ON HANDGUN.
COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.
COLT TO HIP.
HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's the new math
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
