Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

OCR - Optical Character RecognitionA technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.
→ Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan."

The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan."

And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
→ A virus does something.

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
2. Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
3. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
4. writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
5. On weekends, I go to _____
6. The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
7. My favorite hobby is _____
8. Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
9. I have taken ______ English classes.
10. Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) for i=1 to ++x 10 goto 10
11. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
12. Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer
13. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
14. Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
15. In between classes, I like to _____
16. Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator
17. When I have a report due, I type it on _____
18. My manual typewriter
19. The school's word processor
20. My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
21. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
22. Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
23. The best use of a computer is _____
24. A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
25. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
26. A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
27. What part of speech is "interface"?
28. A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
29. What do you consider to be paradise?
30. Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
31. What type of music do you like?
32. Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
33. What is your favorite game?
34. Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
35. My favorite Movie show is _____
36. Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
37. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
38. Write it on my arm
39. Derive it during test
40. Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
41. The person I marry must have _____
42. Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
43. What I fear the most is _____
44. Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!

My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
→ Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

What happens if I press both shift keys?
→ Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
→ Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW
→ Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a hand held blow dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
→ Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
→ Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
→ This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

There are two shift keys, which should I use?
→ Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
→ They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
→ No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
→ Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system. Thou shalt not hack.

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

• A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
• Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
• When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
• A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
• A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
• A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
• You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
• A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
• A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
• You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
• If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
• Modems come with an instruction manual.
• Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less) wellloved throughout the computerindustry.

There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little-known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages -and why they are obscure - Ipresent the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot's Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment.

This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements aretherefore confined to BEGIN-END-and STOP. No matter how youarrange the statements you can'tmake a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE donothing useful.

Thus they achievethe results of programs writtenin other languages without thetedious frustrating process oftesting and debugging.

SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best knownfor the speed or lack of it ofits compiler. Although manycompilers allow you to take acoffee break while they compileSLOBOL compilers allow you to takea trip to Bolivia to pick up thecoffee. Forty-three programmersare known to have died of boredomsitting at their terminals whilewaiting for a SLOBOL program tocompile.

Weary SLOBOL programmers often turnto a related (but infinitely faster) language...

COCAINE.

VALGOL ... (With special thanks toDan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)- From its modest beginnings insouthern California's SanFernando Valley VALGOL is enjoyinga dramatic surge of popularityacross the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY-LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variablesare assigned with the =LIKE and=TOTALLY operators.

Other operatorsinclude the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions ofcode are handled in FOR-SURE loops.

Here is a sample VALGOL program. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START. %% IF. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX. 4K (FERSURE)**2. 18 THEN. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2). 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT). -17 SURE. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM. ? REALLY. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)VALGOL is characterized by itsunfriendly error messages. Forexample when the user makes asyntax error the interpreterdisplays the message GAG ME WITHA SPOON!

LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL isa derivative of LAIDBACK whichwas developed at the (now defunct)Marin County Center for T'ai ChiMellowness and ComputerProgramming as an analternative to themore intense atmosphere in nearbysilicon valley. The center wasideal for programmers who liked tosoak in hot tubs while theyworked. Unfortunately fewprogrammers could survive therefor long since the center outlawedpizza and RC Cola in favor of beancurd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACKbecause its reputation as agentle and nonthreatening language.

For example LAIDBACK responded tosyntax errors with the messageSORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE ... Named after the lateexistential philosopher.

SARTRE isan extremely unstructuredlanguage. Statements in SARTRE haveno purpose they are just there.

Thus SARTRE programs are left todefine their own functions.

SARTRE programmers tend to beboring and depressed and are nofun at parties.

FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precisionmathematical language in whichthe data types refer to quantity.

The data types range from CC-OUNCE-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH(hence the name of the language)LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.

Commands refer to ingredientssuch as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCHand WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTHlanguage reflect the sophisticationand financial status of its users.

Commands in the ELITE dialectinclude VSOP and LAFITE whilecommands in the GUTTER dialectinclude HOOTCH and RIPPLE.

The latter is a favorite offrustrated FORTH programmers whoend up using the language.

C-...

This language was namedfor the grade received by itscreater when he submitted itas a class project in agraduate programming class.

C- is best described as a'Low Level' programminglanguage.

In fact the languagegenerally requires more C-statements than machine-codestatements to execute a giventask. In this respect itis very similar to COBOL.

LITHP ... This otherwiseunremarkable language isdistinguished by the absenceof an "s" in its character set.

Programmers and users mustsubstitute"TH". LITHP is said tobe useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO ... Developed at theMassachussettes Institute ofObedience Training. DOGO heraldsa new era of computer literatepets. DOGO commands include SITSTAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. Aninnovative feature of DOGO is'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a smallcocker spaniel occasionally leavesa deposit as he travels acrossthe screen.