Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

What do computers eat when they get hungry?
→ Chips.

• ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
• ADA: A Dumb Acronym
• ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
• BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
• BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
• BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
• C: Crud
• C: Confusing
• COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
• COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
• COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
• COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
• COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
• COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
• COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
• COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
• COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
• COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
• FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
• LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
• LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
• PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?
→ He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work with UNIX.

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?
→ The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent,
11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!

The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the reportsent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numberedlines.

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.

Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'.

God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * (C) God */

/* Revision history: */
0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

/* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper inheritance features. */
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon. */
struct genitals {
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism to display at birth. * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

Programmer: A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.