Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
→ A slipped disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
→ It was looking for a byte to eat.

Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.

What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
→ You get a short circut.

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

- I don't know!

- Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
• "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
→ Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

• Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
• AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
• Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
• Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
• Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
• Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
• Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
• Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
• Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
• Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
• Nike virus: Just does it.
• Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
• Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

- This computer you charged me L950 for doesn't work....and you said it would be trouble free.

- It is, I charged you L950 for the computer, but you're getting all that trouble absolutely free!