Christmas Jokes — most viewed jokes

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

• A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
• A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
• When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
• A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
• A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
10. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
11. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
12. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
13. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
14. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
15. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."