Christmas Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap??
→ Ho Ho Ho

- Knock, knock?

- Whos there?

- Megan and chicken

- Megan and chicken who?

- He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out whos naughty and nice...

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows '98

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.

December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.

December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.

December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.

December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.

January 1 Stay out of jail.

A girl gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on one thigh and a turkey on the other. She wants to show that there is something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.

"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.

"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
→ Cross mouse cards!

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
→ They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
→ He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
→ A pineapple!