Christmas Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
→ Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
→ Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
→ Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
→ Santapplause!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
→ Santa Jaws!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
→ Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
→ Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

What does Father Christmas call his money?
→ Iced lolly?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
→ Santa pause!

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

- Jones: The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day.

- Smith: So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
11. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
12. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
13. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
14. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
15. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
16. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
17. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
18. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
19. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wenceslas

- Wenceslas who?

- Wenceslas train home?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Snow

- Snow who?

- Snow business like show business!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wayne

- Wayne who?

- Wayne in a manger...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Donut

- Donut who?

- Donut open till Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Oakham

- Oakham who?

- Oakham all ye faithfull...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avery

- Avery who?

- Avery merry Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Holly

- Holly who?

- Holly-days are here again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Rudolph

- Rudolph who?

- Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Igloo

- Igloo who?

- Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Mary

- Mary who?

- Mary Christmas!

You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.