Christmas Jokes — most viewed jokes

How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
→ They put parking meters on the roof!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
→ Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

"Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you."

A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
→ They both drop their needles!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
→ Because a little water ends both of them!

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.

The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.

The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.

Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?"

The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"

The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."

To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
→ Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..

Why can't Santa have children?
→ He only comes once a year.