Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record:

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.

The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.

The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?

"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"...

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said "You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven."

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said "okay. Princess Di?"

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided. "Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!"

How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:

• Dial M for Monica
• Saving Clinton's Privates
• All the President's Women
• The Lying King
• Free Willy
• Terms of Impeachment
• Driving Miss Monica
• Independent Counsel Day
• The Six Commandments
• The Full Monica
• President on a Hot Tin Roof
• Red Faced in October
• Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency
• Bedtime for Bubba
• The Me Lie Massacre!

Why did Helen Keller go insane?
→ She tried to read a stucco wall.

What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio?
→ Collie-wood!

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.

As Jesse entered the first car he yelled, "Okay, everybody, we're going to rape all the men and rob all the women!"

Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said, "ah, Jessie, don't you mean we're going to rob all the men and rape all the women?"

With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says...

"Listen, you heard Jessie...he's the boss!"

What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?
→ The Brit Awarts!