Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Who is the hamburgers' favourite actress?
→ Candice Berger!

- FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night.

- BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.

How do frogs die?
→ They kermit suicide!

How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Just one more, guys, I promise.

Beatrice Lillie (Lady Peel) was once accosted by a haughty old dowager who scrutinized her through her lorgnettes.

"What lovely pearls, dear Beatrice," she maliciously remarked. "Are they real?"

"Yes," nodded Lady Peel.

"Of course," the dowager declared, "you can always tell real pearls by biting them. May I try?"

"Gladly," Lady Peel replied. "But remember, Duchess, you can't tell real pearls with false teeth."

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan

Great Moments In Political Debates

- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.

- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Foreign Goofs

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" -- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." -- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." -- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

Miscellaneous

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
11. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
12. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
13. Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrookee
14. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
15. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
16. Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey
17. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
18. Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckapeepee

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.

"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him."

The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a film?"

"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare."

The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?"

"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."

"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.

"Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo Da Vinci doing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles."

The Director can't believe it. "This is incredible," he says. "This will be the greatest movie ever?"

St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. "Well," he says, "we do have one tiny little problem."

"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a problem?"

St. Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, "Ya see," he whispers, "God's got this girlfriend..."