Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. - Mel Gibson
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. - David Niven
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. - Edgar Watson Howe
Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. - Samuel Butler

How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
→ They can't sing, they can't dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks "Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!" and she asked "Really?? So the ghost was good??" and the old man said "GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!"

Top ten most violent upcoming movies:

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
11. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
12. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
13. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax" Oh, for God's sake. I'm sorry we had to print that one.
14. "Peyote Ugly"
15. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
16. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
17. "Field of Limbs"
18. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve
19. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"

Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point. - Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward Abbey
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose Bierce
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?" - Freud
Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. - Ellen Glasglow
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. Johnson
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran Lebowitz
It's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. - Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx
Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack Nicholson
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke
Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of them. - Dorothy Parker
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo Phillips
A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon Pledge
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. - Mort Sahl
Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere - James Thurber
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. - Earl Wilson

A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.
Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...

What is green, has four legs, and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
→ The pool table in the oval office!

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
→ ROLLAIDS!

What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
→ They both look out their caves and see rubble.