Celebrities — most viewed jokes

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: "OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart".

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

"Who the heck's that?" she says.

"It's Paul McCartney", he replies.

"Doesn't look like him at all" says she. "Now get it right or I'll report you".

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off "No way that's Paul Mccartney" she says.

"It bloody well is" says the man. "Listen I'll get a second opinion"

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)...

"Tell me who the hell you think that is".

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), "I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson"!

A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":

• STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor
• BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
• HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
• DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono
• HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
• FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.
• THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
• MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
• THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
• MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
• THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
• THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - by the Ramseys
• AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
• AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
• DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
• DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
• MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
• THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
• HELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
→ 'Claws.'

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

- Bill: Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.

- Hillary: Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

- Al: Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.

- Tipper: Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. - Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. - Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. - William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. - Robert Benchley

Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?
→ To play his WhoreMonica

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
• Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
• "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
• "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
• Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
• "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
• "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
• "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."