Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

• We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"
• Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"
• See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"
• Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"
• What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"
• Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"
• Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry). Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president. And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds. For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much. Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Jock Barbie ...looks like Dennis Rodman

One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.

So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said "What was THAT?" And the invisible man said "I don't know... but my butt sure hurts."

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"

"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

• Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...
• Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
• Forrest (Homer) Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate
• Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!
• Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
• Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..

Next on 'Forrest'

• Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
• Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated
• Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
• Forrest Zen - I am one with the chocolate
• Forrest McClaine - I used to be a box of Chocolates
• Forrest Ventura - Chocolates..

Alll-Riighty then...

• Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolate
• Forrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
• Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
• Forrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
• Forrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
• Forrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
• Forrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
• Forrest Lee - Fight with your inner chocolate
• Forrest Clinton - I didn't inhale the cream centers
• Forrest Davidson - I will inhale the cream filled centers
• Forrest Doo - Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
• Forrest Marx - That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.
• Forrest Nicholson - You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
• Forrest Copperfield - Poof, the chocolates are gone!
• Forrest Noah - 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
• Forrest on phonics - Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
• Forrest PsychicLine - Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
• Forrest Alimony - The Box is mine!
• Forrest Andrews - The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates
• Forrest Costello - Who's eating chocolate?
• Forrest Abbott - No, who is not eating chocolate
• Forrest Vader - Luke, I am your chocolate
• Forrest Yoda - There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Princess Leia Barbie ...

Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said "Hey, I can fix your d**g!"
A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need
Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

10. Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
11. Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
12. Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
13. Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
14. If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
15. Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
16. Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
17. Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
18. The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
19. Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"
    Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"