Celebrities — most viewed jokes

How did Black eye peas get their name?
→ They were fighting over the Chick peas!

Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
→ No
→ Neither has he.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Dirty Harry Barbie ...comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead >giggle< Make my day!"

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary", and Bill Clinton replies... "Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. - Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. - Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H. L. Mencken
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. - George Clooney
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. - Dave Letterman
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. - P. J. ORourke
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. - Ronald Reagan

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off," the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100,000?"

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, "OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?"

Stevie replies, "I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!"

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.