Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.

The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, "Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders."

How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
→ On a piece rate.

Where did the dog breeder keep his savings?
→ In bark-lays bank!

What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?
→ "O.K., you asked for it," the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

What happened when Dumbo went to a mind reader?
→ They gave him his money back.

Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller asked if he could identify himself.

"Sure," said Izzard.
"There a mirror around here?"

"There's one on the wall right beside you," said the clerk.

Izzard took a glance in the mirror and heaved a sigh of relief.

"Yep!" he said. "It's me, all right!"

A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it "Curl Up and Dye."

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."

The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, "we've got Streisand and in a singing role."

"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.

"No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet."

"You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks.

"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert Goulet."