Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock."

The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on."

"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.

The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep."

The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation."

The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Righto. You're on".

The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."

The man whistles. "How the heck did you know that?"

"Well," says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you."

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

- Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time.

- Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?

- Customer: No, you have to look at it.

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?"

"I dont know", replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!"

"10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?"

"10 cents ma'am"

"Really?, are they fresh?"

"I dont know"So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams "WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?"

So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh"The next day, another woman comes and says "Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?"

"10 cents" He replies.

"Are they fresh?"

"Very fresh"

"Should I buy them?"

"I dont know"So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?"

"ok, gotcha boss"So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir"

"WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?"

"Yes, very fresh sir"

"SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?"

"If you dont, somebody else will"

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

If airlines sold paint...

- Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

- Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

- Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

- Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

- Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

- Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

- Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

- Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

- Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

- Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

- Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

- Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

- Customer: You've got to be &%^#@ kidding!

- Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

- Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

- Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

- Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

- Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

- Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

- Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

- Customer: WHAT?

- Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

- Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

- Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

- Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

- Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

- Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

- Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

- Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

- Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

- Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

- Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

- Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

- Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

- Customer: You're insane!

- Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Top twenty new slogans for Valuejet Airlines:

• ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
• ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
• Join our frequent near-miss program.
• On flights, every section is a smoking section.
• Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
• Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
• Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
• Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
• Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
• The kids will love our inflatable slides.
• You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
• Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
• Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
• ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
• ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
• Bring a bathing suit.
• Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
• That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
• Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
• ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.

What lands as often on its tail as it does its head?
→ A penny.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: "I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: "I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.