Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"
Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 apples."

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.

We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
• How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
• No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
• Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
• No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
• Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
• I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him 6,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $6,000 in principal, and $18.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled.
"Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $18.40?"

What does FCPA stand for?
→ Finally Caught Pinching the Assets

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp.
"Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?"
" Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man.
"Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town."
"Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead."
"No, I can't believe that..... It can't be true...are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure."
"I just can't believe that....

With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure."
The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.
"Well, the cat say he's dead. Does that assure you?"
"No, I need more than that...

Do you have anything else?"
The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.
"Well, now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you sir."
"OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...

How much do I owe you?"
"It'll be $650 bucks." The biologist tells the old man.
"What??", replied the old man, "How can you charge that much??!!"
"Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!"

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
→ When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

• Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
• Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
• Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
• Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
• Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
• Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
• STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
• Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
• Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
• Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
• Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!