Blonde Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First.

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
→ You can park in handicapped zones.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
→ The noise gave her a headache.

WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
→ From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
→ She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
→ They don't know the route.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
→ So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
→ Elvis has been sighted.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
→ The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
→ "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
→ She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
→ Bury a blonde.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
→ Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
→ With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

How does a blonde get pregnant?
→ And I thought blondes were dumb

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How do you drown a blond?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
→ Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

How does a blonde high-5?
→ She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
→ Flattered.

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
→ A know-it-all bitch.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
→ To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
→ Hair transplants.

WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
→ Third Grade.

Why can't blonds work at the M & M Factory?
→ They throw out all the "W"s.

A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win?

God replied, How about buying a ticket first?

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!

What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
→ Retardo.