At Work — most viewed jokes

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.

He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory?
→ She threw away all the w's.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

GROSS PAY: $1222.02

• INCOME TAX: 244.40
• OUTGO TAX: 45.21
• STATE TAX: 61.10
• INTERSTATE TAX: 5.89
• COUNTY TAX: 6.11
• CITY TAX: 12.22
• RURAL TAX: 4.44
• BACK TAX: 1.11
• FRONT TAX: 1.16
• SIDE TAX: 1.61
• UP TAX: 2.22
• DOWN TAX: 1.11
• KNICKNACK TAX: 1.98
• HACKENSAC TAX: 3.93
• THUMBTAX: 0.98
• CARPET TAX: 0.69
• SNACK TAX: 8.32
• SURTAX: 3.46
• MA'AM TAX: 3.46
• PARKING FEE: 5.00
• NO PARKING FEE: 10.00
• F.I.C.A.: 81.88
• T.G.I.F.: 9.95
• LIFE INS.: 5.85
• HEALTH INS.: 16.23
• DISABILITY INS.: 2.50
• ABILITY INS.: 0.25
• LIABILITY INS.: 3.41
• DENTAL INS.: 4.50
• MENTAL INS.: 4.33
• FUNDAMENTAL INS: 0.11
• COFFEE: 6.85
• COFEE CUPS: 66.51
• CALENDAR RENTAL: 3.06
• FLOOR RENTAL: 16.85
• CHAIR RENTAL: 4.32
• DESK RENTAL: 4.32
• UNION DUES: 5.85
• UNION DON'TS: 3.77
• CASH ADVANCES: 0.69
• CASH RETREATS: 121.35
• OVERTIME: 1.26
• UNDERTIME: 54.83
• EASTERN TIME: 9.00
• CENTRAL TIME: 8.00
• MOUNTAIN TIME: 7.00
• PACIFIC TIME: 6.00
• DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: 4.44
• TIME OUT: 12.21
• OXYGEN: 10.02
• WATER: 16.54
• ELECTRICITY: 38.23
• HEAT: 51.42
• AIR CONDITIONING: 46.83
• MISC: 169.24

TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02

What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?
→ He put it on.

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

- Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.

- Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.

- Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.

- Employer: More than we can use already.

- Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

- Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.

- Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

- Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in andasked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressedwith the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.

He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.

He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell "Milligan"? he replied