At Work — most viewed jokes

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.

• COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
• CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
• CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
• I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
• I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
• MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
• I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
• I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
• I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

- Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

- Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

- Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

- Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

- Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

- Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

- Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

- Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

- Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

- Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

- Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

- Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
16. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
18. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
19. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
20. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
21. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
22. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
23. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
24. "The coffee machine is broken...."
25. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
26. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
27. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
28. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren.

Old Phrase → New Phrase

1. No fucking way → I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking → Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck → Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me → I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time → Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares → Are you sure that is the problem
7. Eat shit and die → You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker → You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my arse → So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick → He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit → I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue → You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked → We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you → You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head → Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker → You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you → I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks → We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt → I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off → I'll look into that and get back to you

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens.

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling up? Well here's a suggestion:

[Date Today]

Dear Mr. Kennelly:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your name here]

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.