Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

- There - he said - Maybe he'll cool off in there.

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer:

- If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

- If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not from New York - the boy replies.

- I'm visiting from Kentucky!

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

- Redneck bastard kills family pet.

What is grey and comes in quarts?
→ An Elephant.

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
→ Because they can.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
→ A gorilla with a machine gun.

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
→ A hamster!

When is a car like a frog?
→ When it's becing toad!

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
→ A mouse-tache!