Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him:

- Hey-come over hear buddy. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks:

- Were you talking to me? The horse replies:

- Sure was, man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run. The jogger thought to himself:

- boy a talking horse

Dollar signs started appearing in his head.

So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer:

- Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field. The farmer replies:

- Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky.

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It was tied on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Peer pressure.

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other:

- Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?

The other replies:

- Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote:

- Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof.

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog:

- There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price.

The dog replied:

- What, and ruin the punchline?!

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.

When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says:

- What are all of those for?

The animal control officer says:

- I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.

The man asks:

- What is the gun for?

The animal control officer responds:

- If I fall first, you shoot the dog!

What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs?
→ School dinners come on a plate!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
→ MMmmmm, tastes like chicken!

Where do you get frogs eggs?
→ At the spawn shop!

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man:

- I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!

The man replied:

- Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook?
→ 100 way to wok your dog.