Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Where do ants go for their holidays?
→ Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
→ A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
→ All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
→ An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
→ To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
→ A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
→ Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
→ Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
→ Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
→ An ant's mouth!

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

What did the confused bee say?
→ To bee or not to bee!

What's black, yellow and covered in blackberries?
→ A bramble bee!

What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
→ Wait at a buzz stop!

What is the bees favorite film?
→ The Sting!

What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
→ A bee with a cold!

What's a bee-line?
→ The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!

What is a baby bee?
→ A little humbug!

What do bees chew?
→ Bumble gum!

What does a bee say before it stings you?
→ This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry?
→ An aero-drone!

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- Mother: What does the cow say?

- Child: Moooo!

- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?

- Child: Meow.

- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

Okay a man is in a bar and he's gettin really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him, "Do you wanna drink?"

And the man replies, "Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night I was blowing Chunks all night!"

And the bartender says, "Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk."

Then the man says, "No you dont understand my dog's name is Chunks."

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
→ "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
→ Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
→ "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?
→ Most satisfactory!