Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is life like for a wood worm?
→ Boring!

How do you spot a modern spider?
→ He doesn't have a web he had a website!

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?
→ A flat fish!

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
→ A beer-a-cuda!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?
→ Billy the Squid!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?
→ It set!

What's the coldest fish in the sea?
→ A blue whale!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
→ A can of people!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
→ You can't tuna fish!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?
→ Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!

How do the fish get to school?
→ By octobus!

Why did the lobster blush?
→ Because the sea weed!

Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
   CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
THE DOG

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

Why did the sparrow go to the library?
→ It was looking for bookworms!

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything that you can give me?" The bartender says, "I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs." The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, "Sure I can talk!" The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man." The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

- Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!

- Man: Then what happened after that?

- Parrot: They started taking each other's clothes off.

- Man: And then what? (getting more angry)

- Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!

- Man: What next? (really steamed by this time)

- Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!

- Man: And what then, did they do anything else?

- Parrot: I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!

New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to theback of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above theground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replacepneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.