Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, 'Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Men are like...

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
→ A grasshopper with hiccups!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
→ The one in the sugar bowl!

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
→ They go on peck-nics!

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
→ Coop-cakes!

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
→ An eggroll!

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
→ The bombshell!

What does an alarm cluck say?
→ "Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!"

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
→ Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

How long do chickens work?
→ Around the cluck!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
→ To prove he wasn't chicken!

Why did the rooster cross the road?
→ To cockadoodle dooo something!

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.

"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.

To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
→ Cats can't drive!

What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
→ A mutt in a rut!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
→ A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!

What do you call a happy Lassie?
→ A jolly collie!

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
→ A dingo-ling!

What dog loves to take bubble baths?
→ A shampoodle!

How do you catch a runaway dog?
→ Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
→ Wire haired terriers!!

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
→ Any kind of bloodhound!

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
→ A bud hound!

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!"

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"